Speaking Out: How to Make Life Easier for Rape Survivors

In case you haven't heard or read about it, some guy wrote an article calling the book Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson "soft pornography" and called for parents to 'protect' their children from immorality by getting involved and getting the book (among other books) banned.


Now, I've never read this book (I haven't gathered up the courage, I'm honestly afraid it'd be triggering for me) but from the summaries I've read, Speak is about a high school girl named Melinda who is raped and becomes depressed (as many rape victims do after their rapes). As the title suggests, this book is about SPEAKING OUT about rape. It's about giving rape survivors a voice. To think that anyone could consider this book sexually exciting is SICK and disturbing.


Something that I love about this book (even though I've never read it) is that it sounds like it really captures how hard it is for rape survivors to speak out. We live in a society that shames rape survivors who speak out. Many rape survivors have no support system whatsoever. Sometimes, a rape victim is lucky enough to have someone in hir* life who is supporting and helpful. However, far too often, this isn't the case. Many people have no idea how to treat rape survivors so they end up treating us like monsters instead of real people who have suffered through one of the worst crimes imaginable.


It's been years since I've been raped and speaking out is one of the hardest things for me to do. I am one of those rape survivors that has no support system due to "friends" who suddenly became jerks as soon as I told them about the rape. Another reason that it's hard as hell for me to speak out is because I'm involved in the activist community, and this of course can get me some enemies. These enemies will take EVERY SHOT IMAGINABLE at me. They've taken shots at me for being raped. They've taken shots at me for speaking up about and against rape. They took shots at me when Gabby died. They take shots at me when I tweet about family or personal problems. Quite frankly, I'm exhausted. I hardly ever let anything an anti says get to me, but when I'm constantly beaten down for speaking out, what can you expect to happen? Speaking to my friends about the rape is no better, no less hurtful.


I am so tired. I've found that things are not as bad when I just shut up instead of speaking out. The problem with this is that healing doesn't come with silence. I have never in my life heard of a person who has been able to heal from any kind of traumatic experience by being silent. At best, silence will keep a person right where he or she is. She won't get better, and with luck she might not get worse.


..but why the hell should a rape survivor have to choose between getting worse and the possibility of staying right where she or he is? Why isn't getting better an option for so many people?


You can help give rape survivors another option. You can be the deciding factor as to whether or not a rape survivor suffers for the rest of hir life or whether she or he finds healing, hope, and the ability to move forward. Speaking out can, and should, be a healing experience. But it won't be unless you let it.


When speaking with a rape survivor about hir rape:

Don't:

1) Tell hir that s/he should be "over it". Rape can take many years for a person to recover from. Telling a rape survivor that hir mourning is taking too long isn't going to stop hir from mourning, it's just going to make hir hide hir mourning from you.

2) Tell a rape survivor that s/he is "playing the rape card". This should speak for itself. This is another way or telling a person that he or she is wrong for being in pain, and it does not make the pain go away, it just makes the problem worse.

3) Promote any kind of rape apologism, including, but not limited to:
a. "You were asking for it!"
b. Promoting submission to rapists as a type of "rape prevention" ie "Women should never take walks alone"
c. Blaming the victim in any way, shape, or form by telling hir that she or he could/should have done something to prevent the ordeal, that she shouldn't have been wearing that skirt, that she shouldn't have been making out with that guy if she didn't want to have sex with him, etc.

4) Treat the victim like a freak.

5) Try to convince a rape survivor to do what you want her to do if she gets pregnant.

6) Say "men can't be raped!"

7) Say "women can't rape!"

8) Doubt the victim, tell hir that she or he is lying about being raped.

9) Use the rape against him or her because you consider that person an "enemy".

10) Ask "why didn't you report him to the police?" or say "I wonder how many more people he has raped because you didn't report him to the police."


Do:

1) Offer unconditional love and support.

2) Be the shoulder that she or he can cry on.

3) Support hir with whatever choice s/he makes with a possible pregnancy.

4) Assure hir that s/he did nothing to cause the rape, that the rape is 100% the rapist's fault no matter what kind of clothes the victim was wearing, if s/he was drinking, if s/he was alone, etc.

5) Treat hir like you treated hir before the rape. Offer to take hir out to dinner, shopping, to the movies, etc.

6) Assure hir that there is no such thing as taking "too long" to "get over" the rape.

7) And seriously, if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all. If you're going to be a jerk or if you're looking for a debate about rape, it's your turn to be silent because rape survivors are kept silent far too much. Let us SPEAK.



*gender neutral pronoun

As If! Another Post About Rape

Imagine this:

You're walking back home with a friend from a night out. It's pretty late, and it's pitch black outside. Your friend sees a woman walking on the other side of the street, and he comments on this by saying "She's asking to get killed."

Yeah. Right.

No one ever says that. No one ever claims that people ever "ask" to be murdered. If a person did say that, people would recognize that statement as unacceptable. People would speak out.

So why on Earth is it acceptable, in our society, to claim that a woman "asks for" rape?

Recently, I saw this ad via The Curvature.




Yes, yes, yes! Exactly! Rape apologism is apart of our culture. People don't realize how stupid and hateful the things that they say are. People don't notice how inane the statement that "she's asking for it" is.

Every time I hear someone stating that a woman is "asking for it", my heart skips a beat or two. Why is rape treated as an acceptable crime? Most people will say that rape is bad. However, those same people will also make exceptions for that belief. She's wearing a short skirt? She's asking for it. Walking alone? Partially her fault. Saying that rape is bad and that you're against it doesn't mean crap when you go on to promote rape in more discreet ways. I've lost (or rather, let go) a few "friends" because of comments like these. They usually throw a fit and tell me that I'm overreacting. Tell me, how can I trust a person who openly states that women deserve or "ask for" rape? How can I put my trust in a person who is presenting him or herself as a potential rapist by promoting rape in very significant, ways? Why should I put my own health and well being in grave danger just because you're too self important to educate yourself?

Well, I won't deal with it anymore. People have to learn to clean up their act and accept the fact that the rape culture can be, and probably is, a part of them, too. We live in a rape culture. We all grew up in a rape culture. How is it that people think that they're special and have suddenly escaped the rape culture, without any effort on their part?


I wish the US had anti-rape ads like these.

Hatred Fuels Their Souls

Anti-choicers seem to love hating people. It almost seems like a game to them. Pick any group of completely innocent people, and find a reason to hate them. Trans people? They hate them. Pregnant people? They hate them. Rape survivors? Well, they apparently hate them, too!

The subject of rape tends to come up a lot with me, particularly when I'm speaking about abortion. Rape and forced pregnancy are so closely tied together, it's difficult to avoid the connection. Both are extreme violations of bodily autonomy, and I will fight against both for as long as I live.

However, I've noticed a bit of a trend. Whenever I mention rape, speak about my own rape, or call an anti out on his or her rape apologism (without even mentioning abortion), they go berserk. This is when they start calling me names, this is when they tell me to "shut up", this is when they tell me that I'm playing the "victim card". This is when they imply that I'm stupid. This is when they call me a rapist and/or a rape apologist. This is when they call me a whore, delusional, paranoid, psychotic, pathetic, a "little bitty girl", a nut, and a Nazi.

Oh, and by the way, I made none of that up. Those are some of the things that anti-choicers have said to me recently. Aren't they so peaceful?

All of this has got me thinking; What is it about rape that gets these people so riled up? Why do they get so angry when I advocate against rape? Well, I have a few ideas.

My first thought is that they will obviously be pro-rape. You either believe in bodily autonomy or you don't. Anti-choicers obviously don't believe in bodily autonomy when it comes to pregnancy, so why in the world would they believe in it when it comes to sex? They have no reason to. If they're okay with traumatizing women with a pregnancy, they'll also be okay with traumatizing women with rape.

My next thought is that this hatred comes from the fact that many rape survivors go against their agenda. Rape survivors easily debunk the "all women who have abortions are dirty little sluts" sentiment. They see me tell my story, and they get angry. My story is of a 14 year old who got raped who would have surely killed herself if she got pregnant and was forced through her pregnancy. This angers them. They only care to hear about the young teenagers who are raped and are overwhelmingly happy about carrying a rape pregnancy. That's great for those girls, but what about all of the others? What about the ones who are/were in my situation? Anti-choicers go as far as they can to silence those who can not be exploited to advance an anti-choice agenda. Every time I speak about my rape experience, an anti-choicer straight up tells me to "shut up". It's very obvious that they're trying to silence those who are bad for the anti-choice agenda. They like to pretend that people like me don't exist. They might as well cover up their ears and scream "LALALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!".

The more I interact with anti-choicers, the more I am convinced that 100% of them support rape in one way or another, and I am not exaggerating. Even the ones I trust the most do this to me. They will tell women that it's their job to not get themselves raped, they will blame women for their own rapes, they will tell rape survivors that they must carry a rape pregnancy to term, they will stand by rape apologists if that rape apologist is anti-choice. I haven't met one who doesn't do anything any of those things. Not one soul.

And sadly, it doesn't surprise me. Not one bit.

Oh, and anti-choicers, don't even bother leaving rape apologist comments here. I'm telling you now, they will be deleted.

Spoken by a True Rape Apologist/Anti-Choicer

And here we have it, folks. Yet another anti-choice rape apologist who is attempting to rip open people's wounds. Guess what? I'm not going to let it work.

Not to say that I'm surprised. You shouldn't be either. It's just your average, every day, act of anti-choice misogyny.

Yes, I'm going to call you out when you imply that a pregnant 11 year old girl wasn't really raped. You know what you did. Yes, those quotation marks make a big difference. You know what that FOX article was trying to say, and you're going to shamelessly support it. I will call you out on your BS.

In case my readers are confused, this whole argument was a result of justsnapd8 tweeting this article.

Forget all of the crap in the actual article. I'm still at awe with the title. A 'rape' victim? Yeah, that poor girl was a 'rape' victim. She was 'assaulted'. 'Violated'.

I KNOW I can't be the only one that sees a problem with those sarcastic quotation marks.

Sexual Assault Awareness Month

From the National Sexual Violence Resource Center:

What is SAAM?

The month of April has been designated Sexual Assault Awareness Month (SAAM). The goal of SAAM is to raise public awareness about sexual violence (focusing on sexual assault and rape) and to educate communities and individuals on how to prevent sexual violence.

Here on the SAAM site, you will find information and materials for both the upcoming SAAM campaign as well as past campaigns. While the National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC) creates these campaign materials for SAAM, we encourage state and local organizations and groups focused on sexual violence awareness and prevention to tailor these campaign materials to their local communities.

By working together and pooling our resources during the month of April, we can highlight sexual violence as a major public health issue and reinforce the need for prevention efforts.

Some very scary facts from RAINN:

there were 248,300 sexual assaults in 2007

1 out of every 6 American women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime

9 of every 10 rape victims were female in 2003

About 3% of American men — or 1 in 33 — have experienced an attempted or completed rape in their lifetime

15% of sexual assault and rape victims are under age 12

7% of girls in grades 5-8 and 12% of girls in grades 9-12 said they had been sexually abused. (I, personally, am surprised that it's this low. I have a feeling that many of these young victims did not recognize their assaults as assaults.)

93% of juvenile sexual assault victims know their attacker.

Victims of sexual assault are:

3 times more likely to suffer from depression.

6 times more likely to suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder.

13 times more likely to abuse alcohol.

26 times more likely to abuse drugs.

4 times more likely to contemplate suicide.

Every 2 minutes, someone in the U.S. is sexually assaulted.

60% of sexual assaults are not reported to the police.

only about 6% of rapists ever serve a day in jail.

73% of sexual assaults were perpetrated by a non-stranger.

38% of rapists are a friend or acquaintance.

28% are an intimate.
7% are a relative.

One positive fact:
Sexual assault has fallen by more than 60% in recent years. (THANK GOD!)

Let's bring a halt to sexual assault and rape, and let's do it the right way.

How to Prevent Rape

If you are a woman, you have most likely grown up hearing people give you a long, long, list of things that you should/should not do in order not to get yourself raped. This list includes:

1) Not wearing a short skirt.
2) Not taking walks without a male friend with you.
3) Taking self defense classes.
4) Not drinking alcohol or doing drugs (not because of the health risks, JUST so you don't get yourself raped)
5) Not leaving your drink alone.
6) Avoiding certain hairstyles.
7) Avoiding wearing heels.
8) Not wearing a low cut blouse.
9) Carrying pepper spray with you.
10) Not living by yourself.
11) Refraining from passing out during a party.
12) Not flirting with a person who you aren't willing to have sex with.
13) Not dancing with a person who you aren't willing to have sex with.
14) Maintaining your virginity.
15) Not walking in certain ways.

and if you don't follow that list, well then, it's your fault anyway! You didn't get raped, you got yourself raped!

A lot of the people who tell women how to not get raped claim that they aren't blaming the victims. They claim that, even though it's not technically the victim's fault if she didn't follow all of the rules as to how not to get raped, it's still a woman's responsibility to learn all of these rules in order to prevent her own rape. A lot of them may not straight out blame the victim for her own rape, but will do so indirectly by putting the responsibility of preventing rape on her shoulders, as opposed to rapists' shoulders.

Aside from rape and some other hate crimes, like the assault and murder of trans people, I am not aware of any other crimes that people try to end by giving the responsibility of ending it to the victims. We don't tell people that they shouldn't drive in order to avoid getting hit by drunk drivers. We tell people not to drive while drunk. We don't tell people not to dress like they're rich in order to avoid getting robbed. We tell people not to steal. It's that simple. The responsibility of preventing rape should be completely focused on teaching people, men and women alike, to respect each others bodily autonomy and on teaching people the meaning of consent. Consent is not silence or a "well.. I guess". Consent is an enthusiastic YES! Consent doesn't mean that one person is just laying there, staring at the wall blankly. Consent is when both partners are very much engaged. Our society has this idea that, unless a woman is screaming for the other person to stop and is using a lot of physical force, that she has consented and it's okay for the man to go on. That is not what consent is.

It's obvious that we have a major problem on our hands, when it comes to rape and assault. One of the biggest problems is that we're attempting to prevent rape in the wrong way. We're taking a bad approach. Instead of giving women a long set of rules on how to not get rape, I propose that we ditch those rules and give people a long set of rules on how to prevent rape. Here's my list.

How to prevent rape

1) When your partner says no, s/he means no. S/he does not mean "wait a few minutes, then try again".

2) When your partner says no, don't say "aww, why? It's not that bad, I promise! I'll go easy on you!" Instead, say something like "Okay. Maybe we should cuddle instead!"

3) Understand that, if you are not 100% sure that your partner wants to have sex, that you need to stop and ask hir* if s/he is okay with it. If s/he says anything but a very confident "yes", then STOP.

4) Refrain putting drugs in people's drinks that will make them pass out so you can rape them.

5) Understand that, if a person is unable to consent (underage, asleep, passed out, drunk) that, if you have sex with hir, it is rape.

6) When your friend says "Hey, there's some passed out chick upstairs. I had my turn with her, go have fun!" do not rape the girl who is passed out. Instead, CALL THE POLICE.

7) Refrain from intentionally getting someone drunk so you can take advantage of hir.

8) Do not use language that objectifies and dehumanizes women. Doing this sets up a climate in which rape may be seen as "okay".

9) Do not blame people for being raped. Ever. Understand that it is ALWAYS 100% the rapist's fault, and that .

10) Understand that, if a person is a sex worker, then it's not okay to rape hir.

11) Understand that, if a person is walking alone at night, then it's not okay to rape hir.

12) Understand that, despite the clothing that a person is wearing, it's not okay to rape hir.

13) If your partner changes hir mind in the middle of any sex act, do not continue!

14) If your friends are rape apologists, try to educate them. If they still insist on defending rape, ditch the friendship.

15) If your so-called "friend" tells you that s/he raped someone, call the police.

16) Ditch the standard rules on how to prevent rape, because they are misdirected. Teach your friends and family rules that work.

If you have any other ideas, feel free to post them in the comments! :)

*gender neutral pronoun

Anti-Choicers and Rape Apologists

When I first became interested in feminism, the topic that interested (and horrified) me the most was rape, and in particular, rape apologists. Rape apologists are the people who say things like "I'm against rape, but it really was her fault for wearing that skirt". They're the people who would rather blame victims of rape for being raped, as opposed to blaming rapists for raping people. Rape apologists have a long list of things that people, particularly women, should do/not do in order to not get raped. If these rules were to be made law, America would start looking a lot like some middle eastern countries. Rape apologists use rape as a tool to exert their dominance over women, and sadly, it's working.

I don't think it's a coincidence that the vast majority of rape apologists that I've met have been anti-choicers, and that many (most?) antis that I've met have been pro-rape. The similarities between rape apologists and anti-choicers are striking. Antis, like rape apologists, like to blame the woman for the pain that she's in. If she's hurting from an unwanted pregnancy, you'll hear them say "It's her fault, she shouldn't have been having sex". Rape apologists deny the pain of rape victims by saying that "It's just sex. Sex is natural". Anti-choicers do the same thing by claiming that, since pregnancy is natural, forcing a person through a pregnancy won't hurt hir. Anti-choicers use pregnancy, a beautiful and natural occurrence, as a weapon to keep women "in their place", just as rapists use sex, yet another beautiful and natural occurrence, to exert their dominance over people and to put them "in their place". Antis believe that the fetus has the right to use another person's body against hir will, much like the belief that people should always have access to a woman's body for sex, despite what she says. Their beliefs show a complete disregard for people's bodily autonomy and the right not to be violated. Rape apologists and anti-choicers just don't get that sex and pregnancy are both beautiful. Forced sex and forced pregnancy are not.

If you try to discuss the subject of pregnancies that resulted from rape with an anti, you're not likely to hear a lot of sympathy coming from their side. Whenever I try to have this discussion, the antis are never able to sympathize with the women. It's always about the fetus for them. They'll include both the rapist and the fetus into the discussion by saying something like "It's not the baby's fault that its father was a rapist!", but there will be no mention of the person CARRYING the fetus. Rape victims are invisible to them. They speak of us as if we're objects that feel no pain.

Now, if you're lucky, the anti MIGHT acknowledge a rape victim's existence by saying that she can just "give the kid up for adoption". This is just another way to ignore the pain that the person carrying the fetus might go through. I've never been pregnant, but I'm willing to bet that pregnancy is no cakewalk. I can't imagine how some people may feel when they get pregnant as a result of rape. Giving the child up for adoption doesn't mean that you don't have to go through 9 months of pregnancy. It won't erase the trauma. The abortion issue isn't just about the nine months of pregnancy, or just about the responsibility for the child afterwards. It's about the whole picture. Pro-choicers don't ignore some people's pain by narrowing the scope. If an anti isn't trying to make rape victims completely invisible, then s/he will most certainly try to make hir pain invisible.

Rape victims are invisible to a lot of people. Most people won't hear our voices. Most people don't even know what rape is, beyond the idea of a young, pretty cis girl being attacked and raped in a dark alley. Anti-choicers neglect us, because they know that hearing us out is detrimental to their political agenda. They know that listening to our voices can't possibly benefit their agenda, so they ignore us. It seems like they'll hurt anyone and everyone, as long as they get their way.

I've had a lot of triggering conversations with antis about this subject. Their complete disregard for the experience and emotions of rape victims horrifies me. It's made me come to the realization that, if we were to let them win, the rape culture would win, too. It wouldn't be just the right to choose that would be flushed down the drain. Other rights would go, as well. Any right that has to do with protecting our bodily autonomy will be destroyed. Anti-choicers and rape apologists have similar beliefs and goals and, in a sense, they make perfect partners in crime.

Living In A Rape Culture

You know you live in a rape culture when all of your "friends" still hang out with your rapist, even though they know what happened to you.

You know you live in a rape culture when, upon telling someone about your rape experience, they reply by saying "What's the problem? It's just sex"

You know you live in a rape culture when it's not really considered "rape" if you were wearing revealing clothing, involved in sex work, on a date, married, not carrying pepper spray, living by yourself, walking alone at night, passed out or asleep, flirting with your rapist prior to the rape, wearing your hair the wrong way, wearing the wrong shoes, not loud enough when resisting your rapist, not threatened at gunpoint, not a virgin, walking "suggestively" or otherwise carrying yourself in a "flirtatious" manner, drunk, not trained in self defense, raped in a way that does not involve intercourse, or doing anything that involves leaving the house.

You know you live in a rape culture when rape is portrayed as humorous in our movies and our music.

You know you live in a rape culture when, almost 100% of the time, the victim is blamed for the rape, as opposed to the rapist. We don't teach people not to rape. We teach people not to get raped.

You know you live in a rape culture when "no" is understood to mean "wait a few minutes, then try again."

You know you live in a rape culture when every other porn video that you find features someone being assaulted or raped.

You know you live in a rape culture when, upon talking to someone about those videos, they reply by saying "What's the big deal? It's all staged."

You know you live in a rape culture when your "friends" start making rape jokes, and a victim in that crowd of "friends" can only stand by and pretend to laugh, because s/he will be shamed into silence if s/he speaks up.

You know you live in a rape culture when 1 in 33 men have been sexually assaulted in their lifetime, along with 1 in 6 women.

You know you live in a rape culture when even children are blamed for their own rapes.

You know you live in a rape culture when people think that only pretty cis girls get raped. "Ugly" people, men, and trans women are hardly ever mentioned.

You know you live in a rape culture when, if a woman consents to sex and then withdraws consent later on, it's not really rape.

You know you live in a rape culture when most people think of rape as a pretty young girl being attacked by a stranger and raped in some back alley, when in reality the majority of rapes are committed by someone the victim knows.

You know you live in a rape culture when people still use the term "gray rape".

You know you live in a rape culture when, if you're a survivor, you can't live through one god damn day without someone ripping open your wounds.

I was raped when I was 14. It was years ago, and I still wake up in the middle of the night crying. I love life, and I find happiness in every single day. But, in every day, I find anguish because of a society that just won't get it. Please, let's end the rape culture.