Saturday, September 4, 2010


Recently, it occurred to me how hard it would be to make a choice if I were to become pregnant, mainly because I have so many people in my life who are against me making a choice at all. It occurred to me that most of the support that I have (outside of activism world, of course) is incomplete support; most of my supporters will only support me if I do what they want me to do. That works out just fine for me if I happen to want the same things that they want, but if I don't, chaos ensues.

Pressure seems like a normal aspect of a woman's life. "Don't have sex before marriage! Have sex with me, or else you're a bitch! Don't get pregnant (whether she wants to or not)! Don't have an abortion! Don't go through the pregnancy! Don't drink/smoke while pregnant! Don't have a homebirth! Don't breastfeed in public! Don't raise your child that way!" In other words, we constantly have people barking orders at us, telling us to "Submit! Submit! Submit!" This goes far beyond sex, pregnancy, and parenting. No matter what we do, we can be sure that we'll have someone there in the background telling us to do it their way. This holds especially true for women who are not as privileged as others, such as poor women, trans women, women of color. The less privileged you are, the more people you get who will try to exert their power over you. The less privileged you are, the more people you get who will try to get you to submit their wishes and their commands.

What these people are forgetting is that they do not live our lives. They do not have to live with our choices, and if they do, they live it in a very minuscule way compared to how we have to live with our own choices. So, if I get pregnant, how am I going to be able to live with my choice (whether I choose to go through the pregnancy or end it) when the people around me, who are supposed to support me and love me unconditionally, make me feel as if I have no choice at all? What if I do end up going through my pregnancy, and I live the rest of my life wondering if I even made the right choice, or if I just did what I did due to pressure from my parents/other loved ones? How can I live with my choice when I felt that I had no choice at all? What then?


  1. This is why parents/family/friends (P/F/F) need to support each individuals decision. Not support them, but their decision.

    Because if you make a choice, and it wasn't the right one for you, then you will live with anger and pain for the REST. OF. YOUR. LIFE. You will replay the scene over and over in your head giving yourself a different ending...that can never happen.

    Which is why knowing ALL options is so important. Because even if your P/F/F don't support your decision, SOMEONE will be there to help you. Again why I think both PP and PC offer something for each woman. For me, I wish someone had told me about the PC so I wouldn't have had my abortion, since that isn't what I wanted to do.

    But you are right about pressure for women. Our family goes against the norm in many things:
    ~I exclusively breastfed (your life would be easier if you just gave them a bottle!)
    ~I selectively vaccinate.
    ~I have three children, and want more.
    ~I am a stay at home mom (You are wasting your education!)
    ~I am homeschooling my kids (people are so ignorant on this subject)
    ~Hubby and I are in the works for adopting a baby (oh the comments people make on that!!)

    And guess what!? When I adopt our child, I plan on nursing her! Oh the drama that will cause I'm sure.

    I find that it is really other WOMEN who judge so harshly and try and pressure other women into doing what they are only comfortable with.

    It is when you choose to go against the norm or common decision that you will truly learn who your friends are. And who just wants you to be their puppet.


  2. Allison, I assume you're talking about crisis pregnancy centers. I think it's important for women to feel free to exercise any option when it comes to planning families, but CPCs actually lie to women. If you support women's choices, then you support those choices being informed, not coerced, and you condemn lying from all sides.

    Furthermore, I certainly hope that people don't live in anger and pain for the rest of their lives because they made a decision for themselves that ended up not working out for them, whether that's the decision to have an abortion or becoming an astronaut or marrying a particular person. Life is making one choice after another. Some work out for us and some don't. Living in anger and pain for the rest of our lives only cripples us. It's important to move on with our lives, whether we make good decisions or bad decisions.

  3. Actually FEMily, BOTH PPs and PCs lie to their patients. I've stated this before. They both have good and they both have bad centers. Not ALL pregnancy centers lie to women. Not ALL Planned Parenthoods lie to women. Certainly some do. I personally was lied to by the abortion center that I went to. Yes, I do support informed, not coerced, choices. I was pressured by the abortion center to abort. Even though I was crying hysterically. The lady even said, "Is this what you want?" and I said no. She didn't offer me one other option. She said she would give me a minute to get myself together. She wasn't nice or friendly or helpful at all. I wasn't given any "counseling" or any information regarding other options. They also told me my baby didn't have a heart beat. I now know this is not true now. I could go on...but I won't. Because again...this is just MY personal story.

    You all know that I attended a Post Abortion support group. I could tell you different stories where women went in to a PP and were also lied to and coerced into their "choice." Not given information about other options when they cried, "I don't know what else to do."

    BUT! I understand that even though there are negative stories out there about PP AND PC...that there are positive ones too. It would be very wrong of me (or you) to say that ALL PP and/or PC are lying to women- based on what we hear surrounding us. I'm sure you hear a lot of positive stories based on the circle you keep. Just like I hear a lot of negative ones based on the support group. But certainly we must realize that there are other voices out there with different experiences. By you not listening to MY story would be the same as me not listening to YOUR story...simply ignoring that another side exists.

    When I got pregnant the second time around (still unwed) I went to a Pregnancy Center. Personally they gave me accurate information regarding all three options. At the time I wasn't sure if I was going to place my son up for adoption or raise him. I KNEW I didn't want to have another abortion because I still couldn't get over the first one. While I had a good experience I am sure that there are negative ones out there.

    And while I have forgiven myself and those involved regarding my abortion, I still feel it is necessary to share with others my experience so that it doesn't happen to other women- so that a woman doesn't have to suffer. I know that there are many women who are hurting very serious hurts from having their abortions and need help and support. That is why I believe in the Post Abortion group. (continued below...)

  4. I wish it was as simple as just moving on with our lives...but sometimes it's not. By saying the choice of abortion is as no different as deciding what job to take, who to marry, or what pants to wear, you are belittling such an emotional, struggling decision that we women have to make. Some women just *know* what they will do in a crisis pregnancy. And some women struggle daily with "What should I do??" Please don't think it is as simple as "Oh darn, I didn't make the right choice." For some of us it takes a lot of time, grieving, forgiving, etc to move on. And it's nice to know we aren't alone.

    I share my personal experience so that people understand what happens to women when they are coerced and pressured into a decision regarding their pregnancy- be it from their parents, the baby's father, the Planned Parenthood, or whatever. Because I've heard too many women share stories similar to mine.

    Again, why I've said before that I feel it would be awesome if a third party that wouldn't gain money on what a woman did (abort, adopt, keep) with her pregnancy should be the one to accurately give all information. That to me would be the best situation for a woman who is dealing with a crisis pregnancy. Because abortion centers make money off abortions. And adoption agencies make money off adoptions. And not many people really want to offer support for those who keep their babies. Because abortion centers refuse to believe that women can still hurt many years after their abortion. And women need to know the pro's and con's of ALL their decisions. To talk to people who have been there on all sides...happy with their decision and those that regret it. Only then can a woman truly make the right choice for herself.

    While I personally couldn't ever have another abortion, I support my friends on what they decide. I've taken two friends to have an abortion so don't think that I use my story to pressure them to not abort. It's not that. I use my story to share with them the reality of what's out there and for them to be 100% sure on what they decide. That they know ALL their options and that they understand only THEY have to live with their decision. Not anyone else.




Due to constant spam and derailing coming from a few antis, I am now making this blog a "safe place". This does not mean that I won't allow opposing views. It means that I'm not longer going to allow hateful or unrelated/spammy comments. This will continue on until the anti-choice spammers get bored with harassing me and the people who post here, and is especially relevant when it comes to the topic of rape. I hope this doesn't deter any respectful people from commenting. :)